


Losing Wars

by Lindsey7618



Category: Shadowhunters, The Mortal Instruments
Genre: Cutting, Depressed Alec, Depression, Hurt Alec, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Alec, Self Harm, alec is depressed, alec self harms, idk guys I'm bad at tagging I apologize, magnus and Isabelle mentions, self harm trigger warning, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12643092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindsey7618/pseuds/Lindsey7618
Summary: There was a war raging inside of his head, two separate battles that half of him was winning and half of him was losing, and he didn't know which side he wanted to give in to, so he turned to the only thing he knew how to do, and as he let the metal comfort him he closed his eyes and pretended he was fine.





	Losing Wars

Alec dragged the blade carelessly across his skin. Who knew such a tiny piece of metal could cause so much harm? He dug in and drops of crimson blood spilled out and tumbled to the floor. He tilted his head and closed his eyes as he welcomed the sharp pain that spread throughout him. It felt so fucking good. It felt like relief. He yanked the blade across again, wanting his escape, needing it, breathing easier as he focused on the physical pain instead of the emotional.

If this were some cliche shit, around now Magnus or Isabelle would come knocking at his bedroom door. They'd figure out something was wrong and they'd beg him to unlock the door, which he would do after some consideration. They'd hug him and tell him they loved him and they'd ask him to throw the blade away and he'd promise. Happily ever after, right?

Except this wasn't a fucking book. This was real life. And no one gave a flying fuck about Alec. He was alone. And he wasn't completely sure that he wanted to live anymore. Cutting was the only thing he could do now to help. This was all that tethered him to this earth, all that kept him alive.

He wished he had people who cared. He wished Magnus would come running in to save him, be his knight in shining armor. He wished he could love himself, he wished he wasn't so damn sad and angry and bitter and overfilled with a thousand emotions and feelings he couldn't fucking rid himself of. He wished he wasn't himself.

But he was and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn't know how to help himself, most of the time he didn't even want to help himself. This was familiar, this was comfortable, this was all he knew how to do. And at this point, he didn't know how to deal anymore, and cutting was the only way he knew to keep living. He wished it weren't like that. He wanted to be normal. But you can't always get what you want, and he had to accept that.

Alec slashed at his skin with the blade. He let the cold metal run down his arm, leaving a trail of blood behind. This was all he could do. This was all he knew how to do. He didn't want to give it up, except he did, but he couldn't, and he was afraid to, and he needed it, and _dammit_ he didn't fucking want to give it up.

He pushed his tears back and sliced his skin open again and as he stood and calmly watched the blood drip down, there was a war raging inside of his head, two separate battles that half of him was winning and half of him was losing, and he didn't know which side he wanted to give in to, so he turned to the only thing he knew how to do, and as he let the metal comfort him he closed his eyes and pretended he was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave some kudos if you liked it and maybe comment? Thanks! I love you guys!


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